It Is You Who Can Make Your Marriage A Bliss Or A Pain

by Mr. Ishwar Parmar | Chapter 4, Act 1

Marriages are made in heaven but consummated here on earth. Most of us has heard this age old saying but realize it only once we are married. The institution of marriage was founded so that one person could find another person to spend his or her life with. And when this union is approved by both bride and groom to be, what is achieved is marital bliss.

A strong union is not only beneficial for the husband and wife but also for the two families involved. The strength of this union is decided by the compatibility of the couple and the two families. It is also decided by the aspirations of the couple, as well as their expectations from a married life. When everything falls in place, the couple achieves marital bliss.

Like every relationship, marriage requires time and nurturing

However, this marital bliss does not stay forever without effort being continuously put in it. Like every relationship, marriage requires time and nurturing from both husband and wife. Without this nurturing, the initial euphoria of the marriage will end quickly and will be replaced by a strained relationship between the couple. This is the opposite of the marital bliss that every couple expects. Add to that, the differences in attitudes, expectations, behaviours, and even habits of the couple that further how blissful the marriage will be.

A home is built when both husband and wife put equal effort in it. However, as the new member of the family, you need to put in the extra effort to fit in the family. Fear not, you have it in you to bring in your passion, creativity, and compassion into the betterment of your new family.

How you channelize these energies will decide how much you’ll be able to improve your home. So before you decide to take the plunge and get married, it is better to understand what all it will entail.

It is important that you are clear what all you will need to do once you are a wife, a daughter-in-law, and even a sister-in-law. While you will become all of these overnight, a well thought out marriage will help you adjust to these new roles in a much easier way.

It is true that marriage is not just the union of two people but also of two families. However, unlike your husband, you will be required to leave your family and stay with your husband’s family. What that means is that while your husband gets time to get close to your family, you do not get the same time to understand his family as you will start living almost instantly with them after marriage. Add to that the fact that members of your husband’s family have lived with each other all their lives and are well acquainted with each other. However, you are new to them. Therefore, every move that you make will be observed and judged.

You will learn several lessons and may also be guided at each of the decisions you take. Even if it were just you and your husband living together, it is important that you understand the different members of your husband’s family. This will ensure that you understand how each member thinks, thereby, giving you the best chance to win each one over. Once you have won your in-laws over, they will also reciprocate with love and care.

This way, you will be able to strengthen your bond with your husband’s family and ensure that each of your interactions with them will be based on equal footing. However, if you decide that the guidance from your husband’s family is something that is not of help to you and you out rightly refuse to follow their suggestions, life in your new home will become difficult. Remember, much like a long term financial investment, keeping your in- laws happy is also a long term strategy. You have to be patient with them and if you do so, you will reap the benefits over a period of time. That sounds like just the right kind of effort to ensure a married life full of happiness and prosperity.

By now you must have understood that adjustment is a key requirement for integrating well in a new family. Just like it is easy to uproot a plant when it just a sapling, it is easy for your dynamics to deteriorate with your new family members if proper care is not taken. However, when the sapling grows and pushes its roots deeper into the root, it becomes stronger.

This means that if you have spent time with your new family, understood how each member of the family thinks, then you too can decide how things can be in the future. However, till that time, ensure that you take care of the following:

Be friendly with everyone in your family

Be friendly with everyone in your family – a person who is friendly and can meet everyone with a smile is bound to be successful in life. As a new bride, every person in your husband’s house and their routine is new for you. And you and your habits are new for everyone as well. While you will be judged on each and every step, a friendly attitude will ease this judgment. If you can maintain a friendly attitude towards your new family members, after a while, these unknown members will become your friends as well. And once your family becomes your friend, living together becomes much easier.

Acceptance will bring you peace

In life, there will be things that will not go according to the plan. Be it at your home or at work, no matter how well you plan something, there are certain things that you just cannot control. Now, you can do two things. One, you can get hyper and angry, and can even sulk as to why things did not work out. Second, you can accept that certain things are not in your control and worrying about them will bring you no benefit. Acceptance will bring you peace and will let you focus on what’s next for you. If you are able to follow the second reaction in your life, things will become much easier for you.

Especially as a new bride, there will be things that you expect and believe to be true. However, as time passes on, you’ll realize that things are not what you originally thought. If you decide not to react when things do not go your way and accept that things at present at home are not in your control, then you will be respected for your maturity. This will also allow you to bide your time at home and take the appropriate action once you assume the responsibilities of the house.

Know before you judge

just as you cannot judge a book by its cover, it is very difficult to understand another person by spending just a few days with him or her. As a new member, you have only spent a few days or months with your new family.

Therefore, you should not comment on any member of the family or take sides in a fight. Just as a talkative member of the family may not always reveal his every facet, a shy family member may open up once he or she gets to know you. So, it is important that you spend time with each member of the family, try to understand them in and out, and then make your judgments. Anything before this will only lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in the family.

Listen more and talk less

we have been told over and over that there is a reason why we have two ears and one mouth. Also, we know that to really know another person, we should not just listen to what he or she is saying, but also hear what that person is trying to say. Effective listening is an important tool for a new bride settling in a new house. You will get to hear multiple things daily in your house from different family members. It is important to pick the important ones from all the chatter and try to infer what each member meant. If you can do this on a consistent basis, then your settling time in your new family will drastically reduce.

Learn to adapt

one of the key traits of survival, adaptability can help you in multiple ways as a new bride. First, adaptability can help you adjust to your new roles. Before marriage, you were already a daughter, a sister, and even an aunt. After marriage, you become a wife, a daughter-in-law, and a sister-in-law, while continuing your earlier roles. And if you are working, then you also continue to be an executive in your company. If you are adaptable, you can not only continue to manage your new roles effectively but can also take care of the roles that you had prior to your marriage. Second, adaptability can help you take care of the different set-backs that you may face in this second phase of life. So, keep an adaptive mindset and you may become the survivor, as life is about survival of the fittest.

Learn to be proactive

Be the kind of person who participates in family functions, rituals, or even celebrations on her own accord. If you are proactive, you will get to learn how your new family celebrates the festivals and rituals. This way, you’ll be able to better understand the differences in the methods used by your own family and your husband’s family. This will prepare you well for the time when you are expected to take over the responsibilities of the household from your mother-in-law. Pro-activeness will also help you make a place in the house. So ensure that wherever possible, do your bit proactively to help in the household work.

Think before you speak

While it is important to share what you think, how you share your views will decide whether the other person will accept it or not. So whenever you want to convey a message, do it in a polite and clear way. If you show attitude, sarcasm, or say things that sound like an order, no one will listen to you. As the new member of the house, you have to ensure that you try to solve family disputes and not spread further conflicts. To do this, you need to be clear in your communication. It will also help if you be yourself and not be stuck in the life you had before marriage. This is your life now and it is on you to make the best of it.

Be patient

There will be a lot of things in your husband’s family that you may not approve of. It could be a dominating mother-in- law, judging relatives, a non-communicative husband, or even the boring household chores. You may want to change all of these things overnight. However, remember that change takes time, especially when change is required in the habits of people. Patience works closely with acceptance. Once you accept that change will not happen overnight and you have the patience to bide your time, then you will surely be able to get what you want at a later time. And while you are being patient, remember to keep wit and humour as your close allies as these can help you get through this phase.

Keep a balance between your parent’s family and your in-laws

Your parents bought you up and your siblings were with you during most of your ups and downs in life. Therefore, it is only natural that your bond with them will always be special. However, now that you are married, your husband’s family is now your family. While your parent’s family still remains as your strength, your focus should be on maintaining the dignity of your new family. So, try to keep things between the two families separate. Conflicts in the families should be resolved within those families and should not pass on from one family to another. Only under extreme circumstances should this information be shared.

Otherwise, you are capable enough to handle these problems. Also, it is important that you keep a balance in visiting your parent’s house or they visiting you. Remember, your new home and family needs your attention at this point in time.

Why be serious all the time

We all only get one life. And at the end of this life, only we are to blame if we led a dull life devoid of happiness. Sure, everyone has ups and downs in their lives, but a person who can handle even the low points in his or her life is the one who has lived the life to the fullest. As the new bride, you will face a lot of challenges in the initial few years of your life. So why not spend those years focusing on the positives rather than crying and cribbing about what is not right in your life. And even your in-laws will prefer a family member who is happy and cheerful most of the time and can lift the spirit of the home.

It is alright to be criticized

If you do things, be at home or at work, chances are you will receive feedback. Sometime this feedback can be constructive and at other times it can come in form of criticism. What is important is that you hear out the person giving you feedback and try to take away the improvement areas. Another point that is important is to not take the criticism personally. The person criticizing you may have a certain mindset, a certain opinion about you, or may not be fully informed. This is especially true at home, where members of the family may react without considering the entire information. In such a scenario, don’t get worked up or get too sensitive about the reaction. If you are strong at the core, you’ll consider criticisms as improvement areas and will not consider it as people pointing fingers at your shortcomings.

Don’t carry excess emotional baggage

As human beings, we have an analytical mind. While that gives us a lot of benefits, it also makes us ponder over things that happen to us in detail. This in turn make us emotional about things. If as people starting a new life, we can control our emotions, our new life becomes much better. Why carry baggage of a past life, past experiences, and even past interactions. As a new bride, you are starting a new life. Each day will bring in new experiences. Learn to let go of the older grudges in order to welcome these new experiences. Remember, a cup that is filled to the brim cannot accept anything new.

Remember, your life is your life. Only you can decide to make it a happy one or a sad one. Challenges will be there, so will be the good times in your life. What is important is that if you take it all with a smile and focus on the points mentioned above, marriage will be the most rewarding and fulfilling phase of your life.